UNICORNS ARE EVIL!
By Spencer Stoner
“On summer nights like tonight, a majestic unicorn comes to the girls here.” The orator addressed the audience. “Those who are pure will be fondly greeted and may just get a marriage proposal afterward.”
Ophelia frowned. “Pure” was a euphemism for virgin and she noticed men didn't have a similar test.
But Hero was in mourning and Ophelia brought her friend here for a distraction. With Hero being “pure” and Ophelia decidedly not, she thought the animal's reactions might amuse her friend.
She dragged Hero to the stage where a dozen girls were already gathered. They stood at the end of the line.
A hush fell as the unicorn approached. Its coat sparkled in the moonlight, as it made its way to the girl at the beginning of the line.
It playfully nibbled the girl's hand. She giggled and pranced off stage, embracing her smiling boyfriend. The next two were greeted in the same manner. They also ran to their elated beaus.
The unicorn, though, turned from the third. As the rejected woman slumped off stage, the man who came with her stomped off.
Five more virgins and four more who said they were left the stage. Each “pure” girl ran into the arms of waiting lovers-to-be.
Ophelia's turn. The unicorn sniffed her and let out a loud sneeze, eliciting chuckles from the crowd. But not Hero as Ophelia hoped.
It sniffed Hero's hand and the creature leaped off the stage in horror. Hero looked to Ophelia, tears welling up in her eyes.
“You think it's because of...?” Hero motioned to the scar across her neck, alluding to its unpleasant history.
“There's a difference between being impure and impure things happening to you.” Ophelia answered. “By its own standards it should be happy to lick your boots.”
“I guess it didn't agree.” Hero said.
“It's not judging purity. It's being a pure,” Ophelia edited herself, “ninnyhammer.”
“I'm trying not to curse in front of you. I was going to call it a pure cun--”
“Never mind!” Hero interrupted.
The unicorn charged for the gate. The birds resting atop loosed a barrage of droppings as it passed.
The unicorn, covered with spots of brown, whinnied in disgust as it fled. Hero couldn't help laughing.
“That's right!” Ophelia called after the beast. “Nobody gets out of this life unscathed you... milquetoast!”