An Interview to Celebrate the Launch of my New Site!

Hi there! My name is Spencer Stoner. I'm the author of Ophelia and Lyan are Dead Meat. In celebration of the launch of my website, www.authorspencerstoner.com, I thought I would try something a little different. You know how, in interviews, the one asking the questions asks the writer things like “where do you find your inspiration?” or “do you have a system for picking names for characters?” (I do. Two, in fact, but that is another article).

Instead of that, I am going to interview the main characters of Dead Meat. That's right! We are going to get answers straight from the mouths of the actual participants of the story! Let's begin, shall we?

To set the stage, I'm in a simple room with the two ladies. The walls are mortared stone, there are several plants in each corner to make it a little more, well, cheery, I guess. Outside the window, the sky is gray but it doesn't look like its about to rain or anything.

As for Ophelia, she's sitting (or more like slouching) in her seat, resting her chin in her hand as she waits for me to speak. Lyan is sitting with nigh-impeccable posture, although she looks less eager to be there than her compatriot.

Spencer: “First, I really appreciate you taking the time to speak to me today, Ophelia and Lyan.”

Ophelia: “Of course. I just wish that you had provided some beer or something.”

Spencer: “Yeah, sorry about that but I don't drink. It didn't even occur to me to bring anything like that.”

Ophelia:  Sighs.

Lyan: “Do not be disgruntled, Ophelia. We will not linger here too long. We do have more important matters that require our attention.”

S: “Why are you in such a rush? I thought you had, you know, taken care of the problem already.”

O: “You really think that we only have one major problem at a time? That's a pretty simplistic way of thinking. What kind of writer are you?”

S: “Err... I guess you're right. Sorry again.”

Lyan: “So many apologies are a sign of weakness.”

S: “Sor- I'll try to remember that. Are we ready to start the interview proper?”

O: “Sure.”

L: “Very well.”

S: “The first question is for both of you. It's a pretty simple one. Who are you?”

O: “My name is Ophelia.”

L: “I am Lyan Yo Bunpy of the Yo Bunpy Tribe of Bunny Barbarians fairing from the Land of the Long Toothed Rabbit.”

(Note: Lyan's name is pronounced Lee-an, not like lion, as the spelling would imply. I know, it's weird but proper names seem to not have to follow the standard rules of pronunciation and spelling in the English language. Of course, we can always blame the one who translated it from the Honuan languages but that would be... rude.)

S: “No, that's not what I mean. I already know your names. What I want to know is who you are.”

O: “I thought you said this was a simple question.”

S: “It isn't?”

O: “Would you find it easy to answer a question like that?”

L: “Perhaps you do not realize that simple is not synonymous with easy.”

S: Sighs. “You're right. I'm so- sure you can give us a little, I don't know, a little overview of how you see yourself?”

O: “Yeah, sure. I'm a mercenary, a sword-for-hire. A pretty good one, too.”

S: “And you like fighting for the highest bidder rather than something you believe in?”

O: “I didn't say that. I don't just fight for the highest bidder. That's more of a prostitution frame of mind and I know you're not calling me a prostitute, are you?”

S: “No, no. Of course not.”

L: “Ophelia is a noble warrior who often fights alongside myself and my people. When it is just she and I, it is often not for money.”

S: “So what about you, Lyan? You've told us your lineage but not about you.”

L: “What more do you want to know?”

S: “More about you, not your people.”

L: “Very well.” Long pause. “I am one of very few female warriors among my tribe.”

O: “More like the only female warrior in your tribe.”

L: “You forget that my mother is a warrior.”

O: “She had to leave the tribe to do that.”

L: “But she is returned now.”

O: “I wouldn't call overnight visits with Corthek every fortnight returned, Lyan.”

L: “...Right.”

S: “Um... Corthek is your father, right?”

L: “Yes. But I thought that you wanted to know about me.”

S: “True. I just wanted to clarify for people reading this later. Let's move on and see if we can get back to answering a few questions. Ophelia, you're a mercenary who fights for who you want rather than who has the most money. But what is your ultimate goal in life?”

O: “Boy, you do ask all the easy questions, don't you?”

S: “To be honest, I'm using a guide to questions I should ask from another article I read.”

O: “Oookaaay... I can't say that I have an ultimate goal. I mostly just want to have a soft bed, a healthy dose of booze and maybe a warm body to go in the bed with at night.”

S: “Pretty simple if... morally ambivalent goals, I guess.”

O: “What do you mean by that?”

S: “I guess I'm kind of old fashioned. I'm kind of a type that's more into having a committed relationship. I'm not big on having a different partner every night.”

L: “Do you not feel that is rather judgmental?”

S: “I'm not saying it's bad. I'm just saying that it's not my philosophy when it comes to relationships.”

O: “It's not mine, either.”

Both Lyan and I look at Ophelia with surprised looks on our faces.

O: “I didn't say that I wanted a relationship with whatever warm body was in the bed with me. I'm not saying that I'm not open to having a relationship. I just haven't had one outside of the one I have with Lyan and a handful of other people.”

S: “You mean that you and Lyan have...”

O: “I didn't say that. I said that I have a relationship with her. Get your mind out of the gutter!”

L: “By that standard, I have not had a relationship in some while, myself.”

S: “Listen, I didn't mean to make this conversation devolve into a discussion of your sex lives. I'm just trying to give the readers a feel for who you both are as people.”

O: “Well, sex is part of being a person but I get your point.”

L: “As do I. As for my goals, my people believe that I am destined to destroy the Great Evil. Unfortunately, we have yet to uncover where it is hiding.”

O: “Scouting around for information is one of the contracts I take with regularity.”

S: “You take money from your friend's family to wander around and get information about something as ambiguous as a Great Evil?”

O: “A girl's gotta eat.”

L: “And we are willing to aid her as she had aided us in the past.”

S: “Point taken. Maybe now would be a good time to change the subject. If people were to read your life stories or, for instance, the story of the events of your recent encounter with the Lytyl Tribe and Perrett, what would you want them to know?”

L: “That was a fine battle. It had powerful ramifications throughout the countryside. It even created a new political force that will undoubtedly change the face of the continent in years to come. A warrior can usually only dream that their struggles could lead to such events occurring in their lifetime.”

O: “I don't mean to disagree with Lyan here but she does like to gloss over the things we lost thanks to that (I apologize to those who prefer to have every word written out but, Ophelia's description of Perrett was a little more, um, colorful than I was comfortable printing here.) ...and I hope it falls off.”

S: “So it's fair to say that you have strong feelings about what happened.”

O: “You could say that. While we're on the topic, I feel that the Lytyl can (Sorry again. I'll just give you this brief synopsis of her... passionate opinion of the svartalfar*: Ophelia feels that those she dealt with within the Lytyl Tribe were duplicitous, underhanded and generally dishonest in their dealings with her and Lyan.) ...after they spank the horse.”

(Note: *The svartalfar are elves that, long ago, moved into tunnels and caverns deep underground. As the centuries passed, their skin has absorbed a lot of the carbon in the fertile soil around them to make their skin colors range from gray to obsidian black.)

S: “Thank you, Ophelia for that... honest assessment of your feelings. I think I've held you two ladies up long enough. Be safe in your future adventures and I hope that we can do this again sometime.”

O: “You want to get yourself alone with two attractive women again? And I'm the morally ambiguous one?”

S: “I didn't mean it in the warm bodies in a bed way!”

O: “Of course not. But I do expect to have one in my bed tonight and I have a feeling that you are the one that can make that happen.”

S: “I'll... see what I can do. No guarantees, mind you.”

L: “Does that mean that you may provide me with a better sharpening stone?”

S: “That would be... easier.”

I hope you enjoyed reading my conversation with Ophelia and Lyan. I have to admit that it so didn't go the way I thought it would. Anyway, my novel, Ophelia and Lyan are Dead Meat is available in paperback and e-book formats here: bit.ly/1HYjNSH